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Introduction by Saab Lofton

The Greatest American Hero is my favorite TV series of all time. I was a military brat, and when my family moved from Panama back to America in the fall of 1981, I started watching G.A.H. just as its second season was starting. It was love at first sight.

There's a lot of talk about there being a movie based on the series, so let me state now before it's released what I'D do if I were in charge of adapting it to the big screen: The cast? Jon Heder (Napoleon Dynamite) as Ralph, Christopher Walken (Pulp Fiction) as Bill and Courteney Cox (Friends) as Pam.

The plot? Ralph would be arrested in front of his students by Bill under the Patriot Act for distributing copies of The Anarchist Cookbook to his class in South Central L.A. En route to FBI headquarters, Bill's car seizes up and drives itself to the desert where a starship (that's been telekenetically controlling the car) descends to "beam" them--car and all--aboard.

The aliens would be portrayed by none other than William Katt and Connie Sellecca (in green makeup); they'd play an Adam and Eve-esque couple who are the last survivors of a race which destroyed itself in a war that nearly consumed the galaxy and the super suit is given to Ralph so there'd be a sufficiently powerful force for PEACE on Earth, 'lest it suffer the same fate as their devastated homeworld.

And like in the pilot, a frightened Bill bails on Ralph--which strands him in the desert and results in the loss of the fabled book of instructions. Upon returning to civilization, Bill is first chewed out by Carlisle (Who MUST be played by Robert Culp!) for not reporting in sooner and is then approached by a CIA agent who attempts to recruit him in a conspiracy to jury-rig a Reichstag fire-type event specifically designed to goad America into waging war with Iran. Bill pretends to go along with the plan in order to infiltrate it and agrees to meet with the other conspirators later.

Soon afterwards, Pam, Ralph's lawyer, shows up at FBI headquarters at the behest of his protesting students and threatens a massive law suit if Ralph isn't freed immediately. After she clashes with Bill's hard boiled personality, Pam tearfully confesses that she's not only Ralph's lawyer but his lover as well. This prompts Bill to reluctantly tell her what happened in the desert and to offer to help find Ralph to make up for having bailed on him.

Meanwhile, in the desert, Ralph strips and puts the super suit on. After learning the hard way the suit works best if it's exposed to air (as opposed to it being covered by other clothing) and that his head is still vulnerable even when it's on, Ralph takes his first clumsy flight ... only to crash into a row of motorcycles belonging to a particularly vicious biker gang. Ralph tries to peacefully explain what happened but they're only interested in beating him up for ruining their bikes, obviously to no avail. When the bikers grow tired of breaking their knuckles on Ralph's invulnerable suit, they decide to make him part of the gang and they all ride out to a nearby desert bar. It's at this bar where Bill and Pam find Ralph (and where a very jealous Pam catches one of the biker women kissing Ralph). Heading back to L.A., Bill tells Ralph and Pam about the plot he was asked to be a part of and the rest of the movie would consist of them stopping America from going to war with Iran.

As time goes by, I'll be adding fan fiction and commentary concerning The Greatest American Hero. Stay tuned.

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